His helping hands have him headed to his hedges
JERRY AULDS

This classic Jerry Aulds column first appeared in the El Campo Leader-News on Aug. 14, 2004.

My bride, Dayle Bebee Aulds, recently graduated from the ranks of talented amateur interior decorator to professional status and now actually earns money telling other people "where to put it!"

Which leaves me foot-loose and fancy-free, released, no longer on-call to "hoist that picture," "lift that chair" or "move that couch."

So why am I depressed?

Could I be suffering withdrawal pangs from the adrenaline rush that accompanies participation, albeit only peripheral, in that creative "Eureka!" moment when form, function and art meld together in the perfect room design?

Dayle dismisses my angst. "It'll evaporate with the first NFLtriple-header weekend," she chided me.

I think not. When the first pre-season game came on last weekend, I switched over to the Home & Garden TV channel and practiced doing play by play for "Trading Spaces." So, there!

But perhaps I can become the most junior partner in some other kind of creative endeavor. Say, landscaping.

Just this past weekend, local photographer Wayne King focused on our garden gazebo as the verdant, lush background for a series of 50th wedding anniversary family portraits. Then, the next day, Glenn Frels of "Connie's Studio by Glenn" stopped by and utilized the same gazebo as the setting for portraits of his daughter.

Yes, it is true I had nothing to do with the design, construction or landscaping of our gazebo. And yes, I did somehow doze through Wayne's Sunday afternoon photography session featuring 35 family members and eight or 10 SUVs in loud attendance.

But, Dayle, consider this. I did help supervise the loading and then the unloading of about 10 tons of Hill Country rock for the patio

Country rock for the patio and walkways leading to the gazebo, and yes, I could, too, see what those guys were doing from my place in front of the TV in our bedroom!

Not to mention I was the assistant supervisor when we hauled a huge load of antique-looking wrought iron furniture to our house directly from Monterrey, Mexico, despite what Calvin Slaughter says about my role in that adventure!

Okay, sweetheart, here's the clincher: I've been using my Sunday School connections, and our movie star friend, Ralph Salazar, tells me maybe he can get one of his producer friends to come shoot a short "Gazebo Documentary" with yours truly in the lead role. Of course, you'll have some kind of role, too, sweetheart!

Okay, then, how about as my part of this landscaping joint venture, Babe, I volunteer for some Saturday yard work?

Oh, so you think that's a really good idea?

Aw, Babe, I'm sorry. I forgot. But you know how mowing, weed-eating and edging the grass always gives me a rash. Besides, did I mention that the lawn mower's still at the repair shop and probably won't be ready for about three weeks?

Put it where?